"No Lives Matter" Movement Less Violent Than "Black Lives Matter"

We have seen a new reactionary movement: "No Lives Matter". The movement consists primarily of nihilists and sociopaths who believe that giving life any worth is pointless. They have shown up at many recent "Black Lives Matter" protests, to the ire of many of the participants. Many BLM protesters attacked the NLM members, but there was little retaliation. We interviewed a few of their members about the violence. Here are our questions and some of their responses:

Q: "Most people would expect a group with the name 'No Lives Matter' to engage in a lot of violence due to their disregard for human life. Why is this not the case?"

A: "I don't care about people's lives; why would I go to the effort of trying to end them?"
A: "Why does it matter?"
A: "Everyone dies eventually. Why would I care whether a person lives for 5 years or 500 years? In the billions of years of the universe, what difference does it make?"
A: "No sense killing people who don't really exist anyway."

Q: "Why have you not retaliated when attacked by 'Black Lives Matter' protesters?"

A: "Their lives don't matter. My life doesn't matter. Why should I care what happens?"
A: "Because I didn't feel like it."
A: "I don't want anyone to have any control over my actions; I won't change what I'm doing based on what others are doing."
A: "What benefit do I have to gain from retaliating instead of just getting behind the cover provided by police officers?"

Q: "What do you stand for?"

A: "It isn't what we stand for; it's what we don't stand for."
A: "Trolling people who think their lives have value."
A: "Laughing at other people who don't realize that nothing around them is real."
A: "I dunno. I'm just bored."

Our Editor is Back

Sorry for the lack of news for the past few months. We have had to deal with legal battles because our chief editor, Nobody III, refused when another man, Dweezil Hooker, proposed to him. Hooker sued, claiming to be "heartbroken", and claimed that Nobody "refused purely because of his homophobia." Nobody argued that he couldn't be legally required to marry anyone, but he lost in court. The judge ruled that Nobody was guilty of discrimination, and required him to undergo sensitivity training, and to marry Hooker when he finished. During sensitivity training, Nobody discovered that she was actually was a lesbian woman, and appealed the ruling. The new judge overruled the previous decision, and determined that "Nobody should not be forced into a marriage to anyone of the opposite gender." She is now resuming her position as chief editor.

The World is Ending

Our First Presidential Attack

It seems that political debates are just going to get more heated as time goes on. Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton have both claimed nuclear weapons, from the U.S. and Iran respectively. They are both currently hiding in underground bunkers and have been sending decoys to the recent political rallies. We discovered the decoys when they met with us to pre-order our 2016 Book of Insults. They were very good look-alikes, but the Donald Decoy's hair looked a little too good and the Hillary Decoy's dress was bought for less than $500. These small inconsistencies led us to conduct further investigation, leading to the discovery of the underground bunkers, as well as their inhabitants. Unfortunately, we cannot disclose the locations of the bunkers due to our reliance on funding from both presidential candidates. However, we have interviewed janitors from both bunkers, who have informed us that both sides have missiles scheduled to fire at midnight on New Year's Eve, when mushroom clouds will make a pleasant addition to our already spectacular firework displays. Our psychics have been able to inform us that there are also launches planned for Friday, January 13, 2017. All other launch dates are classified, and we will soon be launching a crowdfunding campaign to raise money to obtain additional launch dates.