The World is Ending

Our First Presidential Attack

It seems that political debates are just going to get more heated as time goes on. Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton have both claimed nuclear weapons, from the U.S. and Iran respectively. They are both currently hiding in underground bunkers and have been sending decoys to the recent political rallies. We discovered the decoys when they met with us to pre-order our 2016 Book of Insults. They were very good look-alikes, but the Donald Decoy's hair looked a little too good and the Hillary Decoy's dress was bought for less than $500. These small inconsistencies led us to conduct further investigation, leading to the discovery of the underground bunkers, as well as their inhabitants. Unfortunately, we cannot disclose the locations of the bunkers due to our reliance on funding from both presidential candidates. However, we have interviewed janitors from both bunkers, who have informed us that both sides have missiles scheduled to fire at midnight on New Year's Eve, when mushroom clouds will make a pleasant addition to our already spectacular firework displays. Our psychics have been able to inform us that there are also launches planned for Friday, January 13, 2017. All other launch dates are classified, and we will soon be launching a crowdfunding campaign to raise money to obtain additional launch dates.